Using the word prediction makes this sound like I’m a blindfolded monkey throwing a dart, when in fact, my Super Bowl prediction is based completely on science. I have carefully chosen several factors, that when analyzed properly, will determine the outcome of Super Bowl XLVII.
1. Team Mascot – A Raven is a bird, therefore it can fly. On the surface that would seem to be a pretty big plus. However, a 49er digs for gold and with gold he can purchase a firearm. What’s the best way to kill a bird? Advantage – Niners
2. Landmark – Duh, S.F. has the Golden Gate Bridge. The Frommers travel guide considers the Golden Gate “possibly the most beautiful, certainly the most photographed, bridge in the world”. Baltimore has…um…Camden Yards? Oh, and that’s a BASEBALL stadium. Advantage – Niners
3. Team Colors – Baltimore’s black and purple is intimidating. Its’ mere presence evokes fear, pain and the smell of death. I think bruises. The red and gold of the 49ers conjures images of Christmas ornaments and earrings. When Niner coaches wear khaki pants with their red polos they look like they work part-time at Target. Definitely NOT intimidating. Advantage – Ravens
4. City Nickname – San Francisco’s is descriptive and accurate but lacks creativity. “City By the Bay”? Really, that’s the best you got?. (And…by the way, Baltimore is also a city on a bay.) Now, Baltimore’s nickname is descriptive, accurate AND creative: “Bodymore, Murderland”. Advantage – Ravens
5. Famous Food – Baltimore is known for its crab cakes. Rice-A-Roni is the “San Francisco Treat.” Being that I grew up on dumping that little bag of seasoning over rice sizzling in a frying pan filled with melting butter…and…that I hate seafood… Advantage – Niners
6. TV Show – S.F. had “Full House”. Who doesn’t love the Danny Tanner family? There was Uncles Jessie, the Olsen Twins and Dave Coulier’s funny voices. Baltimore had HBO’s “The Wire”. It was one of the grittiest, most authentic cop dramas ever produced. Let’s be honest Danny Tanner wouldn’t stand a chance against the Barksdale Organization with Avon, Stringer Bell and Wee-Bey. Advantage – Ravens
7. State Bird – The Oriole is Maryland’s state bird. California offers up the California Valley Quail. The quail is a hearty, adaptable fowl. The oriole is a little, dainty song bird. So weenie is the oriole that Baltimore’s football team chose a different bird altogether. Advantage – Niners
8. Most Popular NFL Player – For the Niners it begins and ends with one of the greatest, if not THE greatest quarterback of all-time, Joe Montana: Four Super Bowl rings, three Super Bowl MVP’s, and a two-time NFL MVP. The Ravens have Ray Lewis He. Killed. A. Guy. Advantage – Ravens
9. The Rap Game – The Bay Area claims Tupac. Now, he was born in NYC and even spent part of his childhood in Baltimore. He didn’t even move to the west coast until 1988, but even without Pac, the Bay has E40 & Too Short. Baltimore claims DMX. Now, if this was based on traffic citations, X would win hands down. It’s not. Advantage – Niners
10. Cheerleaders – This is a complete toss-up. The 49ers Gold Rush cheerleaders are hot and can dance. The Baltimore Ravens cheerleaders are hot and can dance. However, as we’ve heard in the news, the Ravens cheerleaders are fat. Advantage – Niners
The Final Count – Niners 6, Ravens 4. The San Francisco 49ers will remain undefeated in the big game improving to 6-0 in Super Bowls and will tie the Pittsburgh Steelers for most Super Bowl wins.